The Cobbfather Post Gazette was able to place a court reporter in the Cobbfather Trial of the Century. Here is his transcript of the proceedings.
Bailiff: All rise! Come and ye shall be heard. The
right honorable FW_Kekionga presiding.
Judge: What is our first case?
B: Case #597241-The People vs. Dizzy Leonard, Your
Honor.
J: A-GAIIIIN???!!! I thought we heard this case last
year.
B: We did, Your Honor.
J: And the year before?
B: Yes, your honor.
J: Very Well. Prosecution? Call your first witness.
Prosecutor: Thank you, Your Honor. The prosecution
calls but one witness who is here to refute not the eligibility--but the
desirability--for one Dizzy Leonard to be admitted to the Cobbfather Fake
Baseball Hall of Fame. We call a Mr. Sermon Author to the stand.
(distinguished gentleman, mid-sixties takes the stand with a
yellow legal pad in his left hand)
P: Do you swear—
sa: Yeah, yeah. I do. Just like on my wedding day. All
seven of them.
P: We understand you have evidence backing up your
serious charge that one Mr. Dizzy Leonard should be blocked from enshrinement
in the Cobbfather Fake Baseball Hall of Fame? Rather than the usual back and
forth exchange that would take up precious space of this prestigious
publication’s blog, would you please state your grievance against Mr. Leonard
without further interruption from me, the fake Prosecutor?
sa: With pleasure. It seems like every year since
Moses was born there’s a campaign to put Dizzy Leonard into the CFBHOF. Every
year the 17 votes needed for induction fail to materialize by wide margins. But
then the next year comes and Mr. Leonard’s former team—the From My Loins of
Colorado Springs—renews the campaign. This argument is an attempt to put an end
to this nonsense once and for all.
This preseason, team ownership wrote two posts on Cobbfather
World Chat—a chat board read almost as widely as His Honor’s “Cobbfather Post
Gazette.”
J: (blushing) Oh, very nice. Thank you.
Defense: Your Honor, this is blatant currying of fav—
J: Sit down and shut up, Counselor. You’ll have your
turn. Continue, Mr. Author
sa: That’s author, sir. Actually sermonauthor. One word.
No space. No caps. It the family name, sir. My parents gave it to me just
before they left me.
J: They were killed?
sa: No, Your Honor. They left me at the fire station.
J: The record will reflect the witness’ proclivity
for princely punctuation. And for being orphaned.
sa: Thank you, Your Honor. I try. It was my parents who didn’t. Back to
the case, the Loins management recently posted the following evidence as to the
worthiness of Dizzy Leonard’s CFBHOF induction:
“No one has more records
than Dizzy.”
That was the useful extent of their argument. Well, sir, I
did some research into the Cobbfather record book. It seems there is great
merit in the team’s statement. Mr. Leonard, indeed, stands atop the leader
board in 10 of the 42 all-time records kept for pitchers. Here are those
records:
● Batters Faced: 19.334
● Pitches Thrown: 71,704
● Batters Hit By Pitch: 180
● Earned Runs (allowed): 2,163
● Hits (allowed): 4,562
● Home Runs (allowed): 603
● Losses: 226
● Walks: 1,625
● Wild Pitches Thrown: 64
● Grounded Into Double Play: 423
That is 10 indisputable Cobbfather records. But not all
records are equal, are they? Let’s take a look:
The first two records (in bold) are accomplishments of
duration. Of showing up year after year. Very nice to be sure. Attendance
records are helpful when applying to Yale. But not enough to recommend one to
the CFBHOF.
The next six records are what we in the sabermetric world
like to refer to as Negative or Very Bad Crappy records: Batters HBP, Earned
Runs Allowed, Hits Allowed, Home Runs Allowed, Losses, Walks, Wild Pitches
Thrown. These are all bad things for a pitcher to do. Very bad. Very, very bad.
All those hits! All those homers! All those earned runs! All those batters with
massive rib injuries! Oh, the HUMANITY! Sorry, I got carried away.
And Dizzy Leonard was the all time best at doing these bad things.
Finally, we come to what I see as Dizzy’s crowning
achievement—in terms of holding a record for a Positive event: Grounded Into
DPs . This is far from a nothing accomplishment. He was the best at inducing
ground balls or line drives at a fielder. But that is the lone Positive stat we
see. And he should be rightfully proud of this achievement.
With one last burst, let’s talk about overall win/loss
record. For Dizzy that stands at 264-226 . In most worlds 264 wins is an
automatic admission to the FBHOF. But look at those losses. 226. Only 38 more
wins than losses. Most starting pitchers in the CFBHOF have a ratio much closer
to 2-1 wins to losses.
That is a critical point and here is the nail in Dizzy
Leonard’s coffin:
While he was clearly very, very good at times, he was just
as often—and history-making—at being very, very bad. His records are mostly of
the negative kind. The kind that one admires and says “Well done.” Very decent
career. And it was a long career. Good for you. You showed up more often than
not.
Dizzy Leonard never won a Cy Young. He never helped any team
to a World Series Championship. In fact there is nothing else on his awards
resume except a mere 3 All Star Game appearances. A nice achievement. But HOF
worthy?
His resume points to records born of endurance—not of
greatness. Therefore, we recommend Dizzy Leonard not for the Cobbfather Fake
Baseball Hall of Fame . . . but for the new wing I’m proposing today:
The Cobbfather Fake Baseball Hall of Perseverance. It was a
long, winding 19 ML seasons. He showed up for work and he earned his
paycheck—every dollar. They even did some nice feature articles in Sports
Illustrated. Of course, it was the Swimsuit Issue. Now Dizzy Leonard will
finally have a resting place worthy of his accomplishments.
Your honor, I rest my case.
J: Very well. We’ll break for lunch and hear Defense arguments this afternoon.
D: But, Your Honor.
. . we’d like to respond now . .
.
J: Bailiff . . . whack his pee-pee!