PRESS RELEASE from the media team of Adorable Deplorables & Associates:
Newly-retired pitcher for the Tampa Bay Deplorables, Chick Munson, wishes to thank the writers and owners who voted him into the Cobbfather Fake Baseball Hall Of Fame.
“We know we could’a gone on a couple more years as there are still a few tanks of gas left in this ol’ engine of an arm, to carry a metaphor beyond it’s breaking point. But I want to enjoy my fake family and my pretend real life now and I think I’ve faux-earned that privilege.
“We’d also like to congratulate the great Ahmed Ratliff on his election to The Hall. He’s told me many times what this honor would mean to his commercial endorsements if ever came his way. And now that it has Wheaties, Gillette Blades and Big Bopper Condoms will all be reaping the fruits of his prodigious career and, um, expanded skillset.
“We know many of those receiving votes were devastated by this morning’s announcement. Our long-time rival Dizzy Leonard is rumored to be trying to reach an understanding voice at a suicide hotline that won’t hang up on him. And I feel for the guy. I can’t identify in any way with his level of frustration or abandon of all hope. I’ve been fortunate enough to hold only good all-time records in Cobbfather—not the ugly ones. But I do feel for him.
“To that end my people have reached out to Dizzy and I have asked him to introduce me when I am inducted. I figure his speech, if he accepts, may be as close as he ever gets to that hallowed stage in Cooperstown. And I want him to have that moment. I’ve heard that his speech impediment has improved greatly since he’s installed those new VELCRO® dentures. And his limp from The Great Tractor Tragedy of 2017 is now only barely noticeable from Google Earth.
“So, Diz, if you’re out there, I really hope you take me up on my offer. You know I always admired how you picked yourself up after every loss. That’s a lot of stumbles and recoveries. And one day, the Good Lord willing, WIS will take me up on the idea of The HBD Fake Baseball Hall of Perseverance that I brought up recently. It’s high time Dizzy Leonard, stalwart soldier that he was, finally gets his fake baseball due.
“Thanks to all my great fans and we’ll see you in Cooperstown—or wherever they’re holding this hoedown."