The Hall

Eli Cash - Contributing Reporter

The System

I took a long look at our current Hall of Fame and recognized a consistent theme; power. 82% of the hitters in the Hall come from the power positions: LF/1B/DH. So I wondered if there was a better way to look at the value of the hitters in our league to determine their Hall worth. Benny 'The Bean Counter' Ballgame had his primer, but his system left much to be desired....more so explained. 

The Cash System on the other hand has been used by many, including ESPN, CBS, Yahoo, and DraftKings to help provide their internet users with a value ranking system. In it, players earn points for their contribution and effect on the game. A batter may be awarded a point for a run, rbi, or a single; while earning additional points for extra base hits and stolen bases. Or even lose points for being caught stealing or striking out. The larger effect on a pitcher's value is in things he can control, both positive and negative such as how long they last into a game or strikes out; but lose points for giving up a home run or walking too many players. While the bean counters might not appreciate this approach, I've elected to look at a per season average. Longevity has it's place, but just because a player was around for 20 seasons doesn't mean they were useful or anything above average ones to their team. *cough* Dizzy *cough*. To give you an idea on range, the non-pitchers averages 510 points a season. While the starting pitchers average 426 and the average relief pitcher 176 - partially because it's only Sammy Felix right now. We did not include Carl Sosa because he started more games than he pitched in relief. 

New Hall of Famers 

While he may not have gotten all 32 votes, Chick Munson was the closest thing you'll get to a no-brainer Hall of Famer and now it is official! As it's been mentioned, he owns a few of Cobbfather's All-time records including Complete Games, he's 28 ahead of second place, Wins, and Innings Pitched. He owns a 2.81 lifetime ERA and kept opponents to a .213 average against him. Just last season he pitched over 200 innings for the 19th consecutive season. Munson ranks as the top overall pitcher in Cobbfather history according to the Cash System, coming in with 544 points a season. In comparison Francisco Aramboles is #2 at 515. Followed shortly by James Haselman at 511.

Chick is joined in the Hall this year by Ahmed Ratliff, the power hitting corner outfielder who enters wearing a Columbus Corgis' hat. He's in because he's 2nd all-time in Home Runs, but has also struck out more than any other Hall of Famer; not to mention the lowest batting average too and 3rd least walks. Chicks dig the longball, am I right?! Apparently so do the Hall voters. Ratliff is our lowest ranked Hall of Famer, scoring lower than Jordan Abernathy's 447.

Are These Our Future Hall Members? 

These guys should find themselves in the Hall in another season or two. Players will be listed Name (Position - HoF votes last season). For comparison there are now 18 non-pitchers and 20 pitchers in the Hall of Fame. 

Armando Merced (SP - 11): Trophy case: 7x All Star, 3x World Series Rings. This is my odds on favorite to become the next Cobbfather Hall of Fame member. He ranks in at 430 points a season, ahead of 12 of the 20 pitcher Hall members (average started was 426). In every category he constantly sits ahead of half the Hall; he is your prototypical Hall of Fame member, though nothing jumps out as being the top player. Nine seasons of 200+ IP and 190+ K. His years in Boston weren't so kind, but that was his 13th-18th season in the league; as he saw an uptick in HR and thus ER; but his IP and Ks mostly remained. But let's cut him some slack, how much can one take of Sweet Caroline anyway? Only twice in his career did he give up more than 100 ERs in a season, didn't give up many free passes and made everyone work to get on base against him. Shall we give him a pass to the Hall next season?

Braeden Abercrombie (SP - 6): Abercrombie trails Merced by 8 points a season over the same amount of seasons played, trailing the average by only by only 4 points. He trails Merced in every category except the ratios, OAV, OBP, SLG, WHIP, and ERA. He also owns a higher K/BB than all but Hall of Famer Don Monahan. His 200+ IP and 190+ K is 10 but taking a closer look he surpassed 225 IP and 200 K, 8 of those 10 times. His trophy case includes: 6 AL All Star, 1 World Series Ring, 1 Cy Young, 2x Gold Glove. He goes hand in hand with Merced and I'll be voting both next season. 

Midre Tavarez (SP - 6) Tavarez was as productive as Dizzy Leonard was without being a bean counter. Let's take a quick look at his trophy case, 6x All Star, 2x World Series Rings, and a No Hitter. He wasn't a huge strike out artist, but he carried his own. During his prime, what he did best was limit hits. His signing in extremely hitter friendly Santa Fe to start Season 38. If he had signed with a team in a pitcher friendly stadium, he'd likely already be in the Hall. But then again, he's the one that inked 5/$73.5M deal. His 273 wins have him tied for 7th All Time. Only twice in his career did he win less than 12 games in a season. On the flip, only twice did he lose more than 11 games in a season. It might take a few seasons. Only 8 of 20 Hall pitchers average more points a season than he did, he's right in line with Red Collins who was voted in Season 18. I think the voters come around; or at least hope they do. 

Edinson Hernandez (LF - 3): Accomplishments for those that like trophy cases: RotY, All Star x6, MVP, and 2 World Series Rings. Let's play a game, which of the players listed is Hernandez and only one not currently in the Hall of Fame? Numbers are career averages for a season. 

He's not your prototypical left fielder, because he didn't swat a bunch of home runs. He also played more games in Right Field. If you guessed Player A then you've done your homework. Edinson Hernandez leads all HoF players average 582 points a season. If you recall the average non-pitcher came in at 509 points a season. Our current top Hall of Famer only averaged 567 points a season and that was power hitting Albert Cruz who was elected in Season 40. Surely Hernandez's number of season (14) is not holding him back as there are quite a few guys who played 12 or 13 currently in the Hall. He is 2nd all time in Doubles, 5th all time in Triples, was on pace to be 4th or 5th all time in Hits before he retired, but he's still top 10. Took more walks than he did strike outs. I'm sure every owner would have loved to have a guy who averaged 30 HR/ 40 SB batting second in their lineup year in and year out. Consistently sat in the 190-200 hits a season range in his prime. The only season he had less than 120 runs was his final season. He is an underrated player and often passed over in Hall voting because he doesn't have the power numbers fans crave these days. 

Yeico Miranda (RP - 2): Relief pitchers get overlooked quite often because they don't compare in Innings Pitched, K, Ws, and often times teams aren't using their best relief pitchers as closers these days. For comparison, the only 2 players in the Hall who currently have more than 100 saves are Carl Sosa and Sammy Felix. However, Sosa spent over half his career as a starter. That leaves Sammy Felix, let's run a quick comp. 

Miranda has the lowest OAV, ERA, HR/9 amongst all Hall of Famers and those eligible. He provided nearly 75% more value a season than Sammy Felix. But he only did it over the course of 13 seasons. Only time will tell if that's a lucky number for Miranda or not. he also owns the all time single season record for Saves, in 55. Hopefully those 2 voters will speak to his name next voting season!

On The Fence

Haywood Swann (LF - 10): I'm surprised Swann received 10 votes last year and Hernandez only received 3. Don't get me wrong, I think Swann deserves his chance at the Hall as well; but is his 12 seasons enough to get him there? He averaged 560 points a season under the Cash System. That's only 7 points behind our top Hall of Fame member, Cruz mentioned above. Swann played less seasons than Hernandez, but took 35% more walks and struck out 60% less times than Hernandez. Swann misses the top 5 of all time in walks, Cruz is the only Hall member who walked more times. He does have more career points than both Hall of Fame members Jordan Abernathy and Dan Carter, but it's mostly cared by his ability to take a walk. His prime years were amazing, averaging 125 R, 45 HR, 120 RBI, and 25 SBs; but that was only 4 seasons. He didn't top 2000 hits, 400 hr, 1500 runs, or even 120 rbis. Will this Swann be walking into the Hall anytime soon? That's for you to decide. 

Al Balentien (RP - 4): Where Yeico Miranda lacks in bean counting stats for lack of seasons played, Balentien makes up for it. 1113 Games with 1108 out of the pen. He closed out 85% of his opportunities and his 3rd all time in Saves. Surprisingly, the man who owns the most saves in Cobbfather history was overlooked for the Hall. Boston's Jace Sale is likely keeping a close eye on Balentien's voting as he closes in on Ontiveros' all-time record; only 16 behind. Given his 47 saves last year, it shouldn't be a problem for Sale. Among relief pitchers eligible or in the Hall, Balentien has the highest HR/9 and the lowest K/BB; that tells me he relied a lot on his defense behind him to get him out of a few jambs. He does rank second at 218 in the Cash System among those same pitchers, but it's a distant second behind Miranda's 281.  He had a lengthy career, but I wonder if the majority of owners will get behind him and elect him into the Hall. Only time will tell!

Wandy Guillen (2B - 3): AL Rookie of the Year, 7x All Star, 7x Silver Slugger at 2B, and one World Series Ring. Not entirely sure why he's listed as a 1B on his Hall of Fame ballet, since he spent 1900 games at 2B and only 22 at the end of his 14 year career at 1B. Compared to the two Hall of Fame 2Bs he ranks in the middle according to the Cash System at 492. Ended his career with a .307 batting average. Only three times in his 14 year career did he hit below .300 for the season. In his prime he was good for 115+ runs scored while adding 15 HRs and 40 SBs. Not only could he hit, but he....got on base. Owner of a 2.5 BB to K ratio over the course of his career. Why is he on the fence? The only Hall of Famer with less games played is Jordan Abernathy. While he may have hit above .300, he also only averaged 150 hits a season. And talk about a singles hitter, 75% of his hits landed him no further than a chat with 1B. He's close but just misses it in my book. 

Long Shots

Don Sparks (1B - 5): Big drop off here, only averaged 450 points a season. Majority of Hall of Fame bats sit above 475. Saw most of his time at RF and 1B, where he won two Gold Gloves. 2x All Star, and surprisingly 3x MVP. He must have had some hell of a second half in Season 31 to not make the All Star game and still end up MVP of the league. he won 2 World Series Ring, though one was as a back up in Oklahoma City during Season 42, the last of his career. He started the first few seasons strong, but fluttered quickly. Thanks to his 16th season he was able to cross the 2500 hits. Was a big time slugger, crossing the 500 HR mark. Didn't walk more and struck out a lot as he swung for the fences. 

Dorssys Tatis (1B - 4): His 422 Cash points a season are nearly 50 points a season off from the minimum. His 4 votes must be chicks digging the long ball, because that's one good thing he did throughout his career. Don't get me wrong that's still impressive given the stadium he played in for 18 years, but he just doesn't muster up enough quality. 85% of his hits were either singles or home runs, though he did walk a lot more than some of the other power hitting eligible players; I'll give him credit for that. He's another bean collector, played a lot of games and got a lot of ABs; maybe Dizzy's PR team could switch their focus to this guy. 

Rubby Javier (RF - 3): Javier ranks in there with Tatis with a few less years, at 432 points a season. Though it is interesting that he averaged 100 hits a season that weren't home runs, 138 total to go with 80 runs and 89 RBIs. The number of seasons played definitely helped his overall numbers. Sure he made 6 All Star games, but it must have been the fan voting in Boston. Fun fact, he was caught stealing 70% of the time. 

Dizzy Leonard (SP - 3): If Fisher doesn't get in, Leonard shouldn't have a chance. This man's opinion is definitely not effected by Dizzy bullying him in elementary!

Alving Palmeiro (RF - 2): Our first defensive focused player, winning 4 Gold Gloves at 3B and 5 All Star games. He averaged 150 hits, 17 hr, 21 sbs, 80 runs, and 69 rbis; good for 335 points a season. Well behind the 510 average of other HoF members. He's definitely no Zach Charles, our other 3B currently in the Hall. Struck out nearly 300 more times than any other HoF member, including newly voted Ahmed Ratliff who leads all with 1600.

Lorenzo Gonzalez (SP - 1): Lorenzo falls nearly 80 points shy of the average starter in the Hall of Fame. 6x All Star, 4x World Series Rings and threw a no-hitter but barely averaged over 5 1/3 innings an outing. His 1.12 WHIP is near tops of HoF pitchers and ended his career below the 3.00 ERA mark. Wasn't able to top 2500 K or 250 wins. He was reliable, that's for sure; he routinely turned in 165 IP, 145 K while only giving up 50 ER. His .222 OAV ranks up there with the top pitchers in the Hall as well. I feel if he gets his, his bullpen should get a nod as well. 

Ryan Fisher (SP - 1): Covered him in the recent The Better Dizzy. Aside from Merced and Abercrombie, he's the best pitcher in the Cash System that is eligible. But is that enough to get him in? His 2.4 K/BB, 3.88 ERA, .249 OAV, .318 OBP says no. This isn't the Hall of I Stayed Healthy and Had a Long Career. 

Did They Belong?

In a future article will take a look at current Hall of Fame members and determine if they truly belong. Closer Sammy Felix and DH Jordan Abernathy both come to mind. 

The Past Snubs

We'll also take a look at a few players that likely were snubbed from the Hall of Fame. Many of whom own Cobbfather records. 

For Statisticians Out There

I've been working with Jill Bames on a new way to monitor and test the validity of a players Hall of Fame chances. Stay tuned for more to come!

Dizzy Leonard Responds to Chick Munson

 

The Chick Munson I Knew

By Landon “Dizzy” Leonard, courtesy of the CSP Front Office

I wish I hadn’t read what I read today.  As you know, both Chick (or as his momma named him, Joey) and I grew up in Oklahoma.  Oklahoma may be a big place on the map, but if you aint from the City or Tulsa it’s a pretty small place.   I first met Joey Munson in the year 13 when I was 11 and he was 9.  I was the best player in my little league team and probably in Pushmatha County, but I was not a star.  Joey, however, was a legend from day 1.  He wasn’t just the best player for his age in Blaine County, he was the best in the whole darn state.  He always “played up.”  He was the best little leaguer on the all-star team when I met him, he made the high school team in 8^th grade and that was only because they wouldn’t let him try out in 7^th grade.  He beat us in the playoffs my junior year when he was a Freshman.  He was THE BEST.  ALWAYS.  When we were playing travel ball he was always good to me.  I wouldn’t say we were friends- after all he was younger and we grew up on the opposite sides of the state-but we were friendly.  Its why I have never shared what I am telling you now before.

 

Before I do though, I want to say up front that I am glad he was deservedly elected to the Hall of Fame.  Even in the majors he was the best.  Better than the best.  Also, I have no issue whatsoever with his personal choices.  In no way do his personal choices harm me.  He has always been honest and forthright in his dealings and his entire career was scandal free. 

Further, I want to acknowledge that while he exaggerated my mental health struggles in his recent interview about me, he isn’t making them up.  Suicide is a bit much, but I struggle.  When I played I could fill my days with baseball.  Its why I trained and played obsessively.  Why I was able to pitch so long. It kept my mind busy.  Further, it’s probably made me a bit attention seeking since I retired.  Something must fill the day.  But that is the problem growing up knowing each other isn’t it?  He knows my skeletons and I know his.  I sure wished he hadn’t shared mine.

 

 

Ever wonder how a young man from the most conservative part of the most conservative state would go by the name “Chick”?  Especially when he has such a cool given name?  I mean my name isn’t Dizzy of course, its Landon Leonard.  Don’t laugh.  But the kids told me I trained so hard it made them dizzy just watching and eventually it’s what everyone called me.  Unlike most of the boys, Joey never had a nickname.  That is until the summer of 18.  Growing up in Clayton, I had never been to Canton.  Canton is a tiny town, less than a 1000 but the fields at the high school are nice enough and Joey was a big enough star (nationally recognized at this point) that they decided to have one of the travel ball tournaments in Canton.  We all played our morning game and then Joey wanted to show a few of us around town.  

After getting some lunch at El Charros and running an errand for his dad at Canton Farm Supply he told us “the only reason anyone EVER comes to Canton is the see the Movie Poster Service.  It literally has the largest supply of vintage movie posters in the world.  You want to see ‘em?  I work part time over there so I got keys.  My great uncle Bob started collecting ‘em back in the depression and sold the business to my mom’s brother Cleophas and his wife Lou Ann a few years back.  I even have a separate room of my own memorabilia.  We have all the controversial ones.  Man Bites Dog, Silent Night, Deadly Night, and even the People vs. Larry Flint”.  

We had nothing better to do so we quickly agreed.  We got in there and it was huge.  It really was impressive.  There were thousands of posters.  He took us upstairs and on one of those stick thingies that they have for newspapers in libraries were the ones he said were his favorite.  He told us to look at them while he slipped into some kind of closet.  A minute later he peeked out and said grab that first one.  We did and it was a Pulp Fiction poster.  He then slipped around the door and gosh darn it if he wasn’t the in the exact dress that Uma Therman was on the poster.  “When you little scamps get together, you’re worse than a sewing circle” he said in his best falsetto.  What a funny surprise!  A little weird, but hilariously unexpected.  

Two minutes later he was in Vivian Leigh’s red dress saying “Tara! Home. I'll go home. And I'll think of some way to get him back. After all, tomorrow is another day.”  Next it was Audrey Hepburn’s little  black number saying “No, no, you disapprove of me. And I will not accept drinks from gentlemen who disapprove of me. I'll pay for my own whiskey and don't you forget it!”.  This was getting too weird and suddenly one of the other boys peaked into the closet and there must have been 30 dresses in there.  The boy suddenly yelled “you aint no ball player, you’re a chick!”  We all laughed, but I didn’t think much more of it.  One of the boys must have talked to his team though, because by the last game guys were yelling when he struck someone out (which he did a lot) “What’s the matter, can’t you hit off a chick?”

I didn’t hear much more about it until it was baseball season and suddenly, he was playing for Helena.  Rumor was that the teasing got so intense in Canton that he went to stay with his cousins in Helena to get away from the distraction.  He looked happy when he beat us in the semi-finals, but obviously the name stuck.

I get no joy from bringing this story to light, but as the saying goes “if you don’t say nothing, there aint gonna be nothing.”

Chick Munson Press Release

 PRESS RELEASE from the media team of Adorable Deplorables & Associates:

Newly-retired pitcher for the Tampa Bay Deplorables, Chick Munson, wishes to thank the writers and owners who voted him into the Cobbfather Fake Baseball Hall Of Fame.

“We know we could’a gone on a couple more years as there are still a few tanks of gas left in this ol’ engine of an arm, to carry a metaphor beyond it’s breaking point. But I want to enjoy my fake family and my pretend real life now and I think I’ve faux-earned that privilege.

“We’d also like to congratulate the great Ahmed Ratliff on his election to The Hall. He’s told me many times what this honor would mean to his commercial endorsements if ever came his way. And now that it has Wheaties, Gillette Blades and Big Bopper Condoms will all be reaping the fruits of his prodigious career and, um, expanded skillset.

“We know many of those receiving votes were devastated by this morning’s announcement. Our long-time rival Dizzy Leonard is rumored to be trying to reach an understanding voice at a suicide hotline that won’t hang up on him. And I feel for the guy. I can’t identify in any way with his level of frustration or abandon of all hope. I’ve been fortunate enough to hold only good all-time records in Cobbfather—not the ugly ones. But I do feel for him.

“To that end my people have reached out to Dizzy and I have asked him to introduce me when I am inducted. I figure his speech, if he accepts, may be as close as he ever gets to that hallowed stage in Cooperstown. And I want him to have that moment. I’ve heard that his speech impediment has improved greatly since he’s installed those new VELCRO® dentures. And his limp from The Great Tractor Tragedy of 2017 is now only barely noticeable from Google Earth.

“So, Diz, if you’re out there, I really hope you take me up on my offer. You know I always admired how you picked yourself up after every loss. That’s a lot of stumbles and recoveries. And one day, the Good Lord willing, WIS will take me up on the idea of The HBD Fake Baseball Hall of Perseverance that I brought up recently. It’s high time Dizzy Leonard, stalwart soldier that he was, finally gets his fake baseball due.

“Thanks to all my great fans and we’ll see you in Cooperstown—or wherever they’re holding this hoedown."

The better Dizzy Leonard

 Eli Cash - Contributing Reporter

Ryan Fisher fires PR firm

After years of listening to Dizzy this and Dizzy that ever year Hall of Fame voting season, Ryan Fisher has officially fired his public relations firm. No more "Dizzy has given up the most walks in Cobbfather history!" or "Who hasn't scored a run on Dizzy?". It may be the unpopular opinion in the blogosphere; but if this writer had a vote you better believe I'd be voting in Ryan Fisher over Dizzy. Fans should be clamoring for Fisher to join the Hall of Fame, including the Dizzy Leonard Hall of Dizzy Leonard as the second player to ever be inducted. 

Little known fact, Leonard isn't the sole owner of the League's most Losses, he is in fact tied with Ryan Fisher. An accomplishment Fisher is very proud of. The game ball from his last loss is mounted in a glass case in his double wide trailer in Kennewick, Washington. The signed ball's value has skyrocketed since his retirement following Season 39, increasing in value by 1/1,000,000,000 of a cent every 100 years. It may be worth less than a regular t-ball this year, but one day it will be gold! I'll have you know Fisher even has as many Hit Batters as Dizzy. 

I'll tell you one thing, Dizzy doesn't want the media to get a hold of his comparison to Fisher. Leonard is no better than the crickets and rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. Fisher bests Dizzy in all the ratios OAV, OBP, SLG, WHIP, ERA, and even his inseam. Fisher had 12 seasons below a 4.00 ERA compared to Dizzy's 5. He even struck out 311 more batters (he's 4th most all time), gave ups 85 less home runs all in 107 less innings. Fisher was even a better fielder than the Dizzy one, and might I add; he even has a better batting average. Let's count Cy Young awards, Fisher 1 - Leonard 0. Now for No Hitters, Fisher 1 - Leonard 0. To further prove his value, Fisher made a combined $157M to Leonard's $88M; so even Free Agency agrees that Fisher is the better more valuable player. By the way, I know what you're thinking and it's a really nice double wide! 

A true fan can't tell me they'd prefer Dizzy's puny 5'-10" frame over the Fish. He may not have as many Hits & Home Runs allowed, or even number of pitches thrown; but you know what to do; go VOTE Ryan Fisher, Season 46 Cobbfather Hall of Fame! I'll even send you a fancy sticker you can post on your instagram feed. 

Hall of Fame Primer

 

Benny Ballgame - Special to Cobbfather Post Gazette

 
With so many terrific nominees for the Hall of Fame I decided to create a completely objective, highly scientific system to decide who should get your vote for the Hall of Fame.  Both single season and career achievements could earn the potential nominee points.  Here is the outcome of that process.

All Time Greats

 

1. Chick Munson, 38 points.  There is no debate needed and if you left him off your ballot that is a you problem  With 334 wins, 10-time all-star 3 Cy Young, 2 no-hit, and 4 World Series rings he is a true legend of the game.  He probably could have reached 350 wins if he wanted to.

 

Clear Hall of Famers

 

2. Heywood Swann, 25 points.  Surprising bad counting numbers for a guy with this much hardware.  It is what keeps him out of the first tier.  Still, there are not multiple levels to the Hall of Fame and Swann is an EASY choice. He was the best player at his position for nearly a decade and the MVP for 2 seasons.  A 7-time all-star with 5 silver sluggers to boot.
3. Dizzy Leonard, 23 points.  When the book is written about Cobbfather one of the chapters will be on Ole’ Dizzy.  The 3-time all-star is often called the Jack Morris of Cobbfather with 17 consecutive seasons of at least 200 innings.  That is not a misprint.  17 seasons!  That is 5 seasons more then Swann even played.  Throw in having the record for most records, the best publicist in the business, 264 wins, over 3400 strikeouts, and 5 20-win seasons and it is an open and shut case.

    Worthy, but you can’t include them all

4. Al Balentien, 22 points. I’m not always a guy who wants to put RP’ers in the HOF, but Balentien is elite.  Since it’s a non-voting award, it can be hard enough to win one Fire of the Year and he won 5.  Throw 8 all-star games and World Series ring and sign me up!
5. Armondo Merced, 21 points.  I struggled between Merced and Palmerio, but in the end Merced’s 270 wins was the most impressive thing either of them did so I allowed the 270 wins to be worth 1 point in my system to make the difference.  Plus, with 7 all-star games and 3 WS rings he is a truly worthy Hall of Famer
6. Alving Palmerio, 20 points.  Alving is probably the best player you have never heard of as guys who spend their entire career with 1 team can sometimes be famous only in their own city (16 with Colorado Springs).  Palmerio was a elite defender at the 2^nd toughest position (5 gold gloves at 3B).  He could hit too with 2 silver sluggers, 5 all-star games, well over 300 steals, and hit for the cycle.
7. Ahmed Ratliff, 19 points.  I was shocked my system rated him so low especially with the bonus points an MVP and 700 HR’s  gave, but at the end of the day he only had 8 lines of awards and his on-base was basically Palmerios, except he was only a corner OF’er.  
8. Midre Taverez, 18 points.  I expect Midre to get in some day, any one with at least 263 wins really should.  He is almost Merced, but in every area not quite.  Still, I wouldn’t fault any for voting for someone with 6 all-star games, a no-hitter, 273 wins and 2 World Series wins.

    Not Hall of Famers, but let’s put respect on their name

9. Edison Hernandez, 12 points Anyone with 6 all-star and an MVP has to be at least considered, and I wouldn’t be upset if someone voted for Edison, but it will be hard for him to get 17 votes.  Still, he also won Rookie of the Year and a World Series Ring
10. Ernie McEnerney, 5 points. Any second baseman to accumulate 500 home runs.  He was also a 2-time all-star and won a gold glove.  I’ll be honest, he probably gets in if he had made it if he got 3000 hits.
11. Dorssys Tatis, 4 points.  Sure, he only won Silver slugger and a Rookie of the Year.  But has ANY other 44^th pick ever accumulated 565 HR’s  and over 2500 hits.  You read that right, a sandwich pick had a good enough career that he was auto AI nomination.  44^th PICK!  Third guy on the list to spend his entire ML career with the Colorado Springs From My Loins.

Letter to the Editor - Dizzy's Spin Cycle

Dear Editor, 

I was dismayed at Dizzy's most recent interview. Lest we forget - June 19, 2018. I had spent the entire prior season trying to start negations only to be rebuffed at every attempt, hearing "sorry, I'm filling for free agency no matter what."  

Then, June 19, 2018 Dizzy actually left the team. It was heartbreaking for the entire Colorado Springs community. Honestly, its was the biggest news event here since the 1903 Colorado Labor War. Still, I stayed up, and at 12:01am on June 23rd gave Dizzy a contract for every dollar he asked for. No one else made a single offer. 

Sure, there were some hard feelings that someone from Dizzy's representation leaked to World Chat that the offer was a max offer and not just a full priced offer, but we got over it. At the end off the day the record should show that it was not me that spent five days outside of the Colorado Springs From My Loins organization. 

Sincerely, 

Benny Ballgame 
Colorado Springs From My Loins Owner

THE HOF CASE AGAINST DIZZY LEONARD

The Cobbfather Post Gazette was able to place a court reporter in the Cobbfather Trial of the Century.  Here is his transcript of the proceedings.

Bailiff: All rise! Come and ye shall be heard. The right honorable FW_Kekionga presiding.

 

Judge: What is our first case?

 

B: Case #597241-The People vs. Dizzy Leonard, Your Honor.

 

J: A-GAIIIIN???!!! I thought we heard this case last year.

 

B: We did, Your Honor.

 

J: And the year before?

 

B: Yes, your honor.

 

J: Very Well. Prosecution? Call your first witness.

 

Prosecutor: Thank you, Your Honor. The prosecution calls but one witness who is here to refute not the eligibility--but the desirability--for one Dizzy Leonard to be admitted to the Cobbfather Fake Baseball Hall of Fame. We call a Mr. Sermon Author to the stand.

 

(distinguished gentleman, mid-sixties takes the stand with a yellow legal pad in his left hand)

 

P: Do you swear—

 

sa: Yeah, yeah. I do. Just like on my wedding day. All seven of them.

 

P: We understand you have evidence backing up your serious charge that one Mr. Dizzy Leonard should be blocked from enshrinement in the Cobbfather Fake Baseball Hall of Fame? Rather than the usual back and forth exchange that would take up precious space of this prestigious publication’s blog, would you please state your grievance against Mr. Leonard without further interruption from me, the fake Prosecutor?

 

sa: With pleasure. It seems like every year since Moses was born there’s a campaign to put Dizzy Leonard into the CFBHOF. Every year the 17 votes needed for induction fail to materialize by wide margins. But then the next year comes and Mr. Leonard’s former team—the From My Loins of Colorado Springs—renews the campaign. This argument is an attempt to put an end to this nonsense once and for all.

 

This preseason, team ownership wrote two posts on Cobbfather World Chat—a chat board read almost as widely as His Honor’s “Cobbfather Post Gazette.”

 

J: (blushing) Oh, very nice. Thank you.

Defense: Your Honor, this is blatant currying of fav—

 

J: Sit down and shut up, Counselor. You’ll have your turn. Continue, Mr. Author

 

sa: That’s author, sir. Actually sermonauthor. One word. No space. No caps. It the family name, sir. My parents gave it to me just before they left me.

J: They were killed?

sa: No, Your Honor. They left me at the fire station.

 

J: The record will reflect the witness’ proclivity for princely punctuation. And for being orphaned.

sa: Thank you, Your Honor. I try. It was my parents who didn’t. Back to the case, the Loins management recently posted the following evidence as to the worthiness of Dizzy Leonard’s CFBHOF induction:

 

“No one has more records than Dizzy.”

 

That was the useful extent of their argument. Well, sir, I did some research into the Cobbfather record book. It seems there is great merit in the team’s statement. Mr. Leonard, indeed, stands atop the leader board in 10 of the 42 all-time records kept for pitchers. Here are those records:

 

● Batters Faced: 19.334

 

● Pitches Thrown: 71,704

 

● Batters Hit By Pitch: 180

 

● Earned Runs (allowed): 2,163

 

● Hits (allowed): 4,562

 

● Home Runs (allowed): 603

 

● Losses: 226

 

● Walks: 1,625

 

● Wild Pitches Thrown: 64

 

● Grounded Into Double Play: 423

 

That is 10 indisputable Cobbfather records. But not all records are equal, are they? Let’s take a look:

 

The first two records (in bold) are accomplishments of duration. Of showing up year after year. Very nice to be sure. Attendance records are helpful when applying to Yale. But not enough to recommend one to the CFBHOF.

 

The next six records are what we in the sabermetric world like to refer to as Negative or Very Bad Crappy records: Batters HBP, Earned Runs Allowed, Hits Allowed, Home Runs Allowed, Losses, Walks, Wild Pitches Thrown. These are all bad things for a pitcher to do. Very bad. Very, very bad. All those hits! All those homers! All those earned runs! All those batters with massive rib injuries! Oh, the HUMANITY! Sorry, I got carried away.

And Dizzy Leonard was the all time best at doing these bad things.

 

Finally, we come to what I see as Dizzy’s crowning achievement—in terms of holding a record for a Positive event: Grounded Into DPs . This is far from a nothing accomplishment. He was the best at inducing ground balls or line drives at a fielder. But that is the lone Positive stat we see. And he should be rightfully proud of this achievement.

 

With one last burst, let’s talk about overall win/loss record. For Dizzy that stands at 264-226 . In most worlds 264 wins is an automatic admission to the FBHOF. But look at those losses. 226. Only 38 more wins than losses. Most starting pitchers in the CFBHOF have a ratio much closer to 2-1 wins to losses.

 

That is a critical point and here is the nail in Dizzy Leonard’s coffin:

 

While he was clearly very, very good at times, he was just as often—and history-making—at being very, very bad. His records are mostly of the negative kind. The kind that one admires and says “Well done.” Very decent career. And it was a long career. Good for you. You showed up more often than not.

 

Dizzy Leonard never won a Cy Young. He never helped any team to a World Series Championship. In fact there is nothing else on his awards resume except a mere 3 All Star Game appearances. A nice achievement. But HOF worthy?

 

His resume points to records born of endurance—not of greatness. Therefore, we recommend Dizzy Leonard not for the Cobbfather Fake Baseball Hall of Fame . . . but for the new wing I’m proposing today:

 

The Cobbfather Fake Baseball Hall of Perseverance. It was a long, winding 19 ML seasons. He showed up for work and he earned his paycheck—every dollar. They even did some nice feature articles in Sports Illustrated. Of course, it was the Swimsuit Issue. Now Dizzy Leonard will finally have a resting place worthy of his accomplishments.

 

Your honor, I rest my case.

J: Very well. We’ll break for lunch and hear Defense arguments this afternoon.

 

D: But, Your Honor.  .  . we’d like to respond now . . .

J: Bailiff . . . whack his pee-pee!

 

 

Dizzy Leonard, Sad Apple

 Bungo Duggins - Staff Reporter

Notorious Cobbfather multi-recordholder and lone inaugural nominee of the Dizzy Leonard Hall of Dizzy Leonard, the eponymous pitcher has found himself in a new and unforeseen situation of difficulty - he is no longer the apple of Loins GM topoftheworld's eye.  

A source close to Leonard say that he found out through backdoor channels, gossip, and since deleted Tik Tok chats, and has been nigh inconsolable ever since.  "He's been sobbing non-stop in his trophy room, looking longingly at his three All-Star trophies, and his portrait of topoftheworld on the wall. I tell you man, it's sad to see somebody who Dizzy thought had his back for life discard him like yesterdays news and find himself a new huckleberry.

He added, "topoftheworld was going to be the guest of honor at Dizzy's induction into the Hall, he's been there for him from the beginning.  But now.. We'll just have to see how it goes.  Dizzy's pretty busted up over this.  I mean it's been three days since he has recorded a new infomercial to promote his Hall.  That's 100% unlike him.  I'm here for him though, as are a few others.  Juan Saenez called him, and told him that as soon as the travel advisories are lifted he's flying in, and buying three crates of duty free tequila from Skymall on the way."

With the ever important Hall of Fame induction date approaching rapidly, CPG staff expect further developments in this evolving story.

In the Minors

 Amy Amanda 'Triple A' Allen - Contributing Reporter

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Big congrats season 45's Major League champion - Oklahoma City Barons!

And congrats to the Minor league champions as well:
AAA: Boston Massacre (AL)
AA: Jackson Flaxon-Waxon (AL)
A+: Jackson Flaxon-Waxon (AL)
A-: Houston Space Cowboys (AL)
Rookie: Buffalo Bison (NL)

International spending

The major league AL champs went into international spending to prove a point, spending top money ($23M) on 18 yr old pitching prospect Felipe Hernandez. Many scouts feel it was a bit of an overpayment, but hard to argue with the man behind the reigning AL champs. 10 other international players received $10M+ signing bonuses.
The top pitching prospect according to many was lefty Frank Kim by the Cincinnati Dragons for $8.3M. Many agents feel he wanted to long to make his decision and cost him ~$5-8M in bonus money. But he has great health, splits, velocity and a groundball pitcher. He should do well in the majors. However he may walk a fair share of batters as well. The games he limits those, you better watch out! 
Top international bat has been highly debated. Some think it's center fielder Julio Pascual with the Pittsburg Yinzers for $13.6M. The scouts that doubt his ability as the top bat point to his high general ratings but low arm strength and accuracy as well as his slightly above average batting ratings. Those who disagree with Pascaul typically place 3B Ignacio Estrada at the top. His contact might struggle a bit versus top ML pitchers but his power, splits, and eye favor well. He also has great speed and base running ability. 
The top glove, and likely future Rule 5 draft selection in 5 yrs was rightly Victor Castillo of the Tucson Tappers at $1.7M. 80 grade range and accuracy, 75 grade glove and arm strength. Not much is going to get past this guy in field but that's only when his health or poor bat skills allow him to find a spot. 

After speaking to a few goats, here are the best they saw at each position.
C: Vic Chavez - Florida Springbreakers - $13.5M
1B: Jose De Los Santos - Florida Springbreakers - $2.3M
2B: Hideki Gao - Helena Hot Dogs - $15.1M
SS: Yan Ozuna - Florida Springbreakers - $18.5M
3B: Ignacio Estrada - Houston Space Cowboys - $15.2M
OF: Julio Pascaul - Pittsburgh Yinzers - $13.6M
P: Frank Kim - Cincinnati Dragons - $8.3M

Collecting Cy's 

A Cobbfather first, Gerald Kojima has won the AAA AL Cy Young! You may ask, why is this import Amy; that's because it will be his 3rd Cy Young. So Dizzy never won a Cy Young, why should I care about them? That's because Gerald won the ML AL Cy Young last year, AAA AL this year. Next year I hear he's going after the AA AL Cy. Teams, are you officially on alert for next season! Unfortunately he and follow former teammates Francisco Bonilla and Del Bailey were unable to secure revenge for last  year's AAA World Series sweep as they lost to Boston in the AAA ALCS. 

And the Cobb goes to...

We've covered Kojima's AAA Cy, but what about the other awards? Who else has a bright future ahead of them? Let's start with his AAA counterparts. 
AAA
AL Cy - Kojima - NY
AL MVP - after sweeping the top 5, Francisco Bonilla came away with the award.
AL Fireman - Benji Rodriguez - Tucson
NL Cy - George Farley - Vancouver
NL MVP - Harry Gonzalez - Vancouver
NL Fireman - John Jung - Austin

AA
AL Cy - Nigel Torres - Cincinnati
AL MVP - Peaches Vaughn - Colorado
AL Fireman - Blake Spilborghs - Tampa Bay
NL Cy - Juan Rios - Oklahoma
NL MVP - Yoslan Azocar - Columbus
NL Fireman - Lyle Pennington - Austin

A+
AL Cy - Santiago Cora - Jackson
AL MVP - Harry Martin - Colorado
AL Fireman - Luigi Martin - Cincinnati
NL Cy - Victor Ortega - Scranton
NL MVP - Peter Lee - Scranton
NL Fireman - Kenny Farley - Austin

A-
AL Cy - Andy Flynn - Houston
AL MVP - Glenn Rizzuto - Charlotte
AL Fireman - William Iwamura - Houston
NL Cy - Tim Timmons - Florida
NL MVP - John Lavarnway - Washington DC
NL Fireman - Dan Giles - Austin

Rookie
AL Cy - Rodney Lord - Helena
AL MVP - Chick Pfeffer - Cincinnati
AL Fireman - Wilmer Santos - Anaheim
NL Cy - Roy Dydalewicz - Trenton
NL MVP - Grayson Lowry - Chicago
NL Fireman - Garry Beckham - Austin

Until next year, good luck to all those players try to make The Show!

Draft Round Up

Gabrielle  O. Alvarez-Tillman - Contributing Reporter

Was this just a BAAAAD draft year or does the curse of the goat live on? These are the players you lost so hard to protect, it's the PZ...protection zone. No matter what off season moves you make, these picks were yours to stay. That's the kind of protection your dad wish he would have had. 

1. Anaheim - Bonk Burnett (CF) - What a name, Anaheim fans will be going bonkers for Bonk Burnett in the near future. Only thing better than his name are all the viral videos of his bat flips. You'll find him in the middle of a major league lineup in 4-5 years, but he'll struggle to throw out a tortoise from CF. I see a move over to LF in his near future. 2B would be a nice option but last year's first round pick Shea Crowe is holding that position down as a 20 yr old. Bonk will mash...lefties, period. But his future will depend on him hitting righties and staying healthy; two major question marks in his game.

2. Iowa City - TJ Christenson (2B) - I thought everything in Texas was big? Not this guy, barely 5’-11” and a 170...wet. Here's a free hint to all the managers out there, send your lefties to go party with Dennis Rodman in Vegas for the series; they are useless here. I could see a 60/60 season if all he faced was lefties, unfortunately that won't be the case so I'll lower that down to 40/40.

3. Chicago - Rando Powell (P) - With makeup like this, how can you depend on him to defend a teammate in a bench clearing brawl? What is it with players not liking lefties in this draft? Don't expect many free passes with this guy, 80 grade control, 70 velocity, and decent 4-seam/Slider combo. A lineup full of righties could make him slightly above average at best. Don't even worry about his Change Up or Curveball; more like straightball.

4. Atlanta - Zephyr Gross (P) - What do you call a pitcher with 80 grade control, 70 grade velocity, a top tier Sinker and Circle Change? Well his mother calls him Zyphr Evelynn Gross. With the right coaching along the way, we could be looking at a future HoFer. But somebody please tell this kid he doesn't have to date girls whose looks match his last name!

5. Washington DC (P) - Avisail Mujica - Didn't this guy just win the Little League World Series as a "13 yr old"?!? I'll tell you what I told the Eastbank Little League from River Ridge, Louisiana; you want to beat this guy you're going to have to wear him out. Take every pitch you can, make him work for every inch of those 6 innings he'll throw on his best night. Coming out of the pen to bridge a team's Ace to stud closer; better close your eyes and and pray. Or bunt it back to him, he'll flub the play and you might be safe at first. 

6. Charlotte - Neil Cashner (P) - His fastball could rate as one of the best in baseball, but likely tops out at 85 mph. Proving once again the age old Korean proverb, it's not the speed but how you use it. I'm sure Gross' girlfriend will understand that. Speaking of lots of makeup, this has the it factor. He should be able to hold off decline until at least age 70; that's great news for that "fastball" of his. Get that lefty lineup ready, he'll be average at best against those guys. 

7. Pittsburgh - Banjo Urlaub (SS) - B-A-N-J-O and Banjo was his name-o! This guy will either be throwing out base runners or being tossed from the game thanks to the highest temper in the game. Vegas continues to take bets if we'll see more bats broken over his knee then the walks he takes in a season. Good speed, decent bat; won't hit lefties, but unlike Powell this guy will have a teammates back in a brawl. 

8. Dover - Dan Nixon (P) - Snooze...another pitcher. Unlike Cashner earlier, this guy has a fastball, could clock in the upper nineties. He throws so hard he might need a little extra rest between outings if he gets too taxed. His slider is something to watch as well and might help tally up a few Ks if he can find the right combination and mix them up. This guy had a lot of options enter the Cobbfather draft, one scout was even quoted as saying "He would have made a good Pope."

9. Columbus - Alan Harris (SS) - What this guy needs is a new ophthalmologist. He'll struggle his entire career figuring out what pitch is coming. Don't get me wrong, he'll make a TON of contact, I just can't promise you they will stay fair. Even Michael Jordan once hit free throws with his eyes closed. Let's just hope this guy pans out more like the basketball MJ than the baseball MJ. Aside from the sight, he potentially has make-up issues as well, but hopefully the Corgis' have Mary Kay or Avon on speed dial.

10. Austin - Lou Porozio (RF) - From the north side of Hurley, NY, there is a lot to like about this guy, including his mom’s pizzas. A lot of scouts think he'll have a great batting one, but one scout was overhead questioning it when he has to look over that huge Italian sniffer of his. I'll take this guy's .270/40 HR in his prime any day. Great health should keep him in the lineup on a regular basis as well.

11. Vancouver - Deivi Camacho (P) - Let's be gentle with this guy, he's already having to play ball in Canada. Say it with me now, 'soaree' Deivi. Not expected to walk many batters and will collect his fair share of strikeouts, but righties will mash him and he's not really from Queens, NY. Just because he can throw 5 pitches, doesn't mean he does it well. Look for him to stick with his knuckleball and curveball, I wouldn’t throw his other 3 in a little league game. Speaking of his knuckleball, it's the fastest one this writer has ever seen.

12. Florida - Joey Kubitza (CF) - He's somewhat an A-typical center fielder, I could see many future gold gloves but the awards end there for this Canadian. Did Vancouver not draft him because of a East Canada vs West Canada beef? Rumors has it, they are in need of a CF. His 4-seam fastball is better than many major league pitchers, but that won't help him at the plate. At best he's a .225 hitter with limited speed and health issues.

13. Philadelphia - Teoscar Zurbaran (P) - Teoscar ‘Two Trick’ Zurbaran has a 75 grade 4-seam fastball but a slightly above average curveball at best. Great health and durability, with just enough stamina to get through an inning but you wont' see any more than that. He should get through that outing pretty fast, according to one ex-girlfriend it's not the only thing he does by fast.

14. Tucson - Josmil Velazquez (1B) - From the squarest city in North America, easiest way to beat this guy is to challenge him to a foot race; even my grandmother could beat him. That said, he's not running out many infield hits, he'll look to use that contact and power of his in hopes to keep the balls fair. When he does, look out! Good health and good durability will keep him in the everyday lineup if he proves to hit well. Has the bare minimum to stick at 1B, but might be better suited for some DHing if he can't get that glove and accuracy to come around.

15. Seattle - Leslie McCartin (2B) - He's your prototypical average 2B; average glove, limited power, 70 game speed. This kid could steal 100 bases...if he can get on base. Debate is out on what will be higher, his weight after a thanksgiving meal or his batting average. No chance I let this guy see a left handed pitcher above High A ball.

Well if there's one thing worth while from this draft, it's the parents who named these kids. Good luck to all of these kids developments, maybe they one day live up to the hype. 

Sermonauthor Q&A

In an ongoing effort to better understand the genius minds which administer the hardball franchises of Cobbfather world, the Post Gazette will be interviewing owners on an irregular basis.  Today we are honored to have seated between the interview ferns three time and reigning world series champion sermonauthor.

Congratulations on winning three of the last four world series! Is Disneyworld tired of seeing you yet?

First of all, why the heavy restraints? Hey WAIT--why the shot with the foot-long needle? I’ll tell you what you want to know. You don’t have to . . .you don’t ha . . . (singing) “Mama! Just killed a man! Put a gun against his head. Pulled my trigger, now he’s . . . he’s  . .  . “ <Editor's Note - No General Managers were harmed in the writing of this interview>

 

You clearly have had a large measure of success during your time in Tampa Bay. Other than your 132 million dollar payroll and your overwhelmingly talented lineup and rotation, what is the key to your success?

Nothing to it really. Just put my owner britches on one leg at a time and read the Good Book daily. And believe me, How To Squash, Maim and Otherwise Pulverize Your Fake Baseball Opponent Until Even His Dog Won’t Recognize Him is a mighty good book.

My 5 Keys to success in Hardball Dynasty are (drumroll)

5.  Know when to hold ‘em. 

4   Know when to fold ‘em.

3.  Know when to walk away.

2.  Know when to run.

1.  You never know what $132M will buy you when you’re bidding on free agents. There’ll be time enough for trading when Spring Training comes.

 

During your run of total dominance, who have been your favorite players to follow on your team?  Who is the leader in the clubhouse to keep things level when the inevitable slump or championship hangover hits?

You can’t talk Deplorables without going straight to veteran leader Chick Munson who is currently making a mockery of the Cobbfather pitching records. This season alone he became the All-Time leader in Wins and Innings Pitched. Munson also holds the world records for Shutouts, and Complete Games. His one area of weakness is in the realm of Balks where he holds the All-Time worst with 17. But Chick is quick to point out in any HOF debate that Dizzy Leonard, a HOF hopeful, holds the All-Time Worst record in 7 categories. So he should get a pass on the balks. The vets and rooks all look up to the Chickster who, though listed at 41 years, may well be closer to 45 owing to a mixup in birth certificates with former pro player Chuck Minson he never bothered to correct.

What you call total dominance I know is nothing more than a very good team that’s been incredibly lucky along the way. To run the playoff gauntlet—say, do you think I could get a sip of water? I’m dehydrating—to run the playoff gauntlet, especially when you don’t earn a bye and need 14 playoff wins instead of 11, you face so many potentially-lethal elimination games. We’ve had good players but, more importantly, tremendous good fortune along the way. 2 of our 3 championships started in the wild card round. All 3 were 4-3 WS victories. That’s not false modesty. That’s just fact. We’ve had quite a bit of luck on our side.

 

The Deplorables have dispatched some pretty great teams in the last few seasons, which one of them and what players do you think were the most dangerous?

For the first few seasons the Houston Space Cowboys were definitely a spur in the side of our Deplorable basket. And we in theirs. It was a harsh rivalry in every way except personally as rawdk27 is one of the fine gentlemen of the game. In recent seasons it’s been alanharwell (Helena) and alex6888 (NY) whose fierce teams have helped us rise to their formidable challenges.

 

When your run eventually winds down and the legend of the Deplorables general management falls into baseball lore alongside the likes of Billy Beane’s sabermetric principles or Houston Astros garbage can morse code, what will be your legacy, and who will write the book?  And when that book is inevitably turned into a film which actor plays your part?

Well, I will write the book, silly. Did you not notice the handle? Sermon . . . AUTHOR. This has been mistaken by many to mean I’m a preacher, but I’m not except for shouting out the Good News of Fake Baseball everywhere! I’m an author, essayist, blogger, songwriter who penned a book about my personal baseball experiences with the game. A fan’s memoir, written almost 20 years ago, Sermon on the Mound is now out of print and available from third party sellers without those inconvenient author royalties.  

The book allowed me some wonderful experiences with all-timers like Vin Scully, Don Zimmer, Ross Porter, Ernie Harwell, pitcher Paul Byrd, Ryan Klesko, Calvin Schiraldi and the entire 2001 Kansas City Royals team in their pre-game locker room. I followed the publicity trail wherever it led. That was the really fun part of the whole experience.

As for the actor? I suppose the only star who could do me justice would be Costner. We’re the same age. OK, he’s 7 months older, but I won’t hold it against the old guy. We still carry ourselves like we are studs and between us we have half a billion dollars. The similarities are astounding. I think he’s got one more baseball flick in him. Don’t you?

 

During your career, what has been your best move as a GM, and which one do you regret the most?

I think my best move was to join Cobbfather at the precise moment when jibe inexplicably left after building a giant of a franchise. I’m not sure I could have walked away from that. Yes, we’ve won 3 championships here and in the interim I’ve left my own mark on the team. But none of the success happens if jibe had not left so many chips on the table to play with and he deserves more credit than me in the franchise’s success. I’m just the monkey who got to play all the four ace and straight flush hands dealt after I sat down at the table.

 

Do the Deplorables pay for a scouting department?  If yes, what is the name of your one scout?

I don’t believe in scouting budgets. I don’t play the IFA game anymore after leaving far too much franchise equity ($$$) on the table year after year. The imprecision of the scout’s advice and the uncertainty if you’ll have enough money to bid on the top guys—and if THEY will even show up in a bad season—all combined to sour me on the process. I believe in free agency. I believe in the value of the dollar and learning to squeeze every last dime out of a budget. And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. So, when I take over a team it’s scouting budgets racing to the bottom and prudent FA spending rising to Steinbrenner levels.

 

Cobbfather world strives to live up to the legacy of its namesake, Ty Cobb, who famously once said, “Baseball is a red-blooded sport for red-blooded men. It's no pink tea, and mollycoddles had better stay out. It's a struggle for supremacy, a survival of the fittest.”  With that in mind, what unwritten rule do you think baseball is missing, and how would you enforce it?”

My rule: Check your politics at the door. How do I enforce it? 4 snipers on the stadium rooftops and one in the clubhouse. It’s not brain surgery.

Do you have a favorite baseball quote, and if so what is it?

That one is easy. Yankee outfielder Willie Randolph was once asked how he always seemed to maintain such a calm exterior. He replied:

“Ain’t no sense worrying about things you got no control over. ‘cause if you got no control over them--ain’t no sense worrying. And ain’t no sense worrying about things you got control over. ‘cause if you got control over them--ain’t no sense worrying.

A close second would be Casey Stengel who, on the birthday of Mets poor fielding first baseman “Marvelous” Marv Throneberry’s deadpanned: “We wuz gonna throw you a party, Marv. But we wuz afraid you’d drop it.”

Which MLB player had the best 1980s mustache or bad haircut?

How can that honor go to anyone else but “The Mad Hungarian”, Al Hrobosky? Just look at that magnificent porn ‘stache nearly touching his belly button. It’s like his mother mated with Fu Manchu. If Al ever wanted to go clean-shaven Supercuts would have to charge him $75. ME, I’d just grab a machete and hack my way through that forest of hair.

 

Do you have a favorite baseball card factoid from the card backs?

Yes. “Smoking baseball cards can be hazardous to your health.” I didn’t believe this when I first read it at 13. I do now.

Say, how much longer is this going to take? If you’re not going to loosen the cuffs could I at least have something to eat? <Editor's Note - The press spread provided water and hardtack biscuits, in compliance with all applicable regulations>

 

Other than the Tampa Bay Deplorables, what is your favorite MLB team, and if it is not the Cubs, why?

It’s not the Cubs, although they were my Little League team for 3 years. I was born in Sacramento and attended my first MLB at Candlestick Park in 1963. I’ve been a Giants fan ever since. Mays, McCovey, Marichal, Perry, Cepeda . . . I got to watch more HOFers on a team than any fella has a right to dream about.

For most of my life I lived with the curse that the last time the Giants won the World Series was 1954 –the year before I was born. In my 50s I was certain the team that was all too often my cross to bear in life would not win it all again until the year after I died. Then came that marvelous run of 2010, 2012 and 2014. They don’t ever have to win again. That was a lifetime of dreams rolled into a magnificent 5 year masterpiece.

 

If sermonauthor were to walk the path of Trevor Hoffman and institutionalize theme music in the ballpark during pitching changes, what would sermonauthor’s theme music be?

Is there a happier, more positive, more inhibition-releasing song ever recorded than Van Morrison’s Bright Side of the Road? ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCDZzf4ragg ) No sir, there is not. If I’m coming into a bases loaded situation with the entire season on the line I want a song that doesn’t permit fear entry.

If there’s a hop and a skip to the last couple steps before I toe the rubber so much the better for confusing the enemy. And if a happy, carefree tune lulls the batter into slapping down a game-ending double play ball to short because he’s feeling pretty good himself—who am I to complain? 

Others can take to the dark music. I want to hit that mound smiling and witness the confused batter wondering “What’s that all about?” Since we are innovating we will also introduce baseball’s first walk off music. Whether I get shelled or take down the side with a grenade launcher that song will always be the Everly Brothers’ Bye, Bye Love! 

Name some pet peeves you have with HBD.

If someone made me king of HBD for a day the first thing I’d do is:

● fire every executive and make it a lifetime appointment.

● Then I’d make the divisional playoff series—after the wild card series--7 games because Holy smokes WIS—where’s the fire? Give us a full series—two lousy games--that reduce the chance of a fluke victory by a weaker team.

● I would allow new owners to set any medical/health chose when they take over a franchise. Thereafter increases or reductions would revert to increments of 4. Too many times I’ve seen promising careers stunted by major injuries because of arbitrary allocation rules a new owner had no control over.

● Make coach hiring an automatic process based on the amount you budget for. 6M is minimum. 14M is max. 10 gets you an above average coaching squad. 6 gets you a bag of old balls. But it streamlines the dreaded hiring process.

● Cut Spring Training in half or eliminate it completely. NOTE to WIS: 18 fewer games means faster world turnaround and more profit for you. Do this one today!

Is there anything else you would like Cobbfather to know about you - hobbies, unique facts, trade needs, or perhaps your ultimate plan for baseball dominance?

My first marriage has lasted 33 years, but my wife is on notice there may be a trophy wife in my future. She’s already packed a suitcase for me when that day arrives. Father of 3 beautiful daughter ages 19-31. Two of our girls have autism and have mitigated their life challenges beautifully to make a father proud. In my misspent youth I did standup for about a minute and a half until they asked me to sit down. My bride is a world class singer without the renown or money and she records the songs I write for her. So she’s not fooling anyone with that pre-packed suitcase. She needs me.  I discovered Rotisserie Baseball at its inception in 1984 and have been playing Fake Baseball in one form or another ever since.

 

What movie best encapsulates the man that is sermonauthor?

Citizen Kane 

I have it all planned out. The family will be gathered, circling my bed, with tears all around for in this fantasy death scene I am greatly beloved. I will try to say something but the words aren’t coming. My youngest daughter leans in closely and whispers, “Papa. PAPA. What is it? And with my dying breath I release two weak syllables: “Mun . . son.” 

And then I wake up in an Iowa cornfield. My family is shocked. No one knows what I meant and they spend the rest of their lives trying to decipher my last word: MUNSON.

And only the good folks of Cobbfather, my brothers in arms, will know the answer to this eternal riddle.

Epilogue

There you have it, and again thanks to sermonauthor for budgeting some time for this interview, as well as the tasty cracker and cheese spread in the clubhouse.   The Post Gazette takes this as evidence that the Deplorables are not skirting their budget anywhere else.