Thursday, July 8, 2010

James Haselman Press Conference

Mac Smethers - Cobbfather Post Gazette

It's no secret that in the upcoming Cobbfather draft that pitching mega prospect James Haselman is going #1 overall.  Haselman called a press conference this afternoon to tell the world about his plans for future baseball dominance, and to also shift the media spotlight back to it's rightful place, instead of the LeBron circus. 

Following is the transcript from the press conference, held at at the Minneapolis Mall of America, 15 minutes from the Minnesota Modern Gentleman's training facilities. 

First of all I would like to thank Jesus for giving me the skills to crush batters at the plate, and for everyone else for coming to the Mall of America today to celebrate, um, excuse me, take the time to listen to my statement and ask me some questions.  I am honored to be considered for the first pick in the Cobbfather draft, and look forward to my career as a Rock Star, both on and off the field.  I promise to bring the bling on a daily basis, especially as I will be demanding a signing bonus worthy of a player of my skills.  I will be humble in the locker room, and do my very best to win every game I pitch.  I look forward to the challenge of resurrecting the once proud Austin franchise, and making my name known throughout the league so that when I eventually file for free agency at the age of 30 I will command the largest contract in the history of Cobbfather world. Today is just the first step in becoming a legend, and God willing barring an injury I will be just that.  Now I will happily take your questions.

James, what if you don't get selected #1 overall?
--What, seriously?  Next question, and don't let this dude ask me any more.

James, how much are you going to ask for in signing bonus money?
--Well the slot minimum is 4 million dollars, and I think I am worth at least twice as much.

James, how does it feel to be only the 2nd known pitcher to project to 100 on the Peterman-Blanks skills and ratings scale in Cobbfather history?
--You mean there was someone else?  Who?
I believe in seasons 1 and 2 Pinky Matheson projected to be rated at 100 overall as well.
--That washed up injured old fart?  The scale must have been messed up back then man, is all I'm saying.

James, do you plan on pitching in the major leagues right away, or are you going to spend some time in the minors first? 
--I guess that depends on the Austin management, but seeing as how I am already better than any other pitcher on their ML roster, and most other ML rosters in truth, I don't see why they wouldn't start me in the bigs right away so I can start building my hall of fame resume.

James, is it any coincidence that your name is James, and you are holding a press conference on the same day that King James announces his NBA destination?
--No it's not, it's a coincidence that he is holding his press conference on the same day as MINE.

James, why are you holding your press conference in Minnesota when you live in Kansas, went to school in California, and are going to play in Texas?
--Have you seen this place man?  There is a roller coaster inside of the mall!  Sick dude!  That and they promised me free Orange Julius and Sbarro for me and my posse if I held the conference here. 

That's all the time I have for questions today, thank you for coming out to see me, and I hope you all start buying some tickets for those Rock Star homestands coming up in July, they are going to be something worth watching!

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