Amy Amanda 'Triple A' Allen - Contributing Reporter
Amateur Draft Prospects Revealed
The annual amateur draft is scheduled for next week, and scouts are hard at work combing through prospect lists and talent profiles. The jury is still out on whether or not Florida's owner minihouston is still having an issue with his goats, though early rumors report his scouting is suffering horribly and that the curse does not seem to have abated. The final tally when signings occur will show whether or not the scab miniature donkey livestock scouts he has hired in the accursed goats stead was effective. Meanwhile all other owners in the league are regretting letting him in due to the talent vacuum that has followed in his wake, and are actively considering curse busting measures.
New Promotions Bring Fans in the Tens
With the new year and always present desire to bring in more fans, there have been some notable promotion nights around the leagues this year. Some of the more notable events have been:
--Wilkes-Barre Exists Night: The Scranton AAA affiliate hosted a special evening giving discounted admission to every fan who could properly locate Wilkes Barre on a map. Team officials report that they gave out seven discounts.
--Diesel Generator Night: The Iowa City AA franchise held a "Diesel Generator Night," where free admission was given to fans for bringing a generator with which to power the park lights, which are still dark from the derecho which rolled through town over a month ago.
--Heckler's Ball: The Philadelphia HiA franchise hosted a 'Heckler's Ball,' wherein fans were invited to utilize the PA system to heckle opposing batters when they were at the plate. As this sort of behavior is naturally in the blood of Philly fans, this evening was the first sellout of the year. Dover team officials insist there is no truth to the rumors that the Dover team had to hold a group therapy session on the team bus after the game.
Dong Arrives in Aloha Country
In one of of the most hotly contested bidding wars on the International market this year, Kazuya Dong has signed with Honolulu. It is rumored that the Apapanes faced some stiff competition Springing From Colorado's Loins in the bidding war, but in the end the Japanese stud pitcher donned a lei and came ashore in Pearl Harbor. Scouts say that while Dong brings the heat, he needs to work on his control if he ever wants to make it in the big leagues.
Brooms, Brooms, Brooms
They may have lost a tight series to the eventual World Champions in the ML ALDS but word on the streets of the city that never sleeps has it that the sweep in the AAA World Series by the NL underdog infuriated the New York Empire owner. Sources, and experienced conspiracy theorists, say he has vowed to never be swept again. It's said thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, following season 38 and their 53-109 record; Dr David N Adams removed losing from alexng6888's DNA. Since, the Empire has never won less than 90 games; going a combined 629-343; good for a .647 winning percentage. Thus it was shocking to see the AAA Empire swept by a lesser team from the NL.
The inside source claims the owner has gone as far as to remove all brooms from the stadium. One cleaning crew member was even said to have been fired for using a toothbrush after lunch. Apparently anything with bristles is a no-go. Crew chief Antoine Dodson was quoted "...y'all need to hide yo brooms, hide yo mops, and hide yo toothbrushes cause they trashin' everything out here". In other city news on Cobb Street, Dyson stock has plummeted as fans follow suit by dumping all shares of their stock in support of the team's ban on cleaning supplies. Even the trashcans were removed, though some sources wonder if that will affect the teams batting average. One anonymous source was even quoted "Winning is a dirty job."
After some "major" talent changes to the NY AAA affiliate roster, the owner has put the league on notice. Vegas oddsmakers now have NY as the favorite to win the AAA World Series. Find your nearest bookmaker and place all bets now!