Minor League Roundup

 Amy Amanda 'Triple A' Allen - Contributing Reporter

Amateur Draft Prospects Revealed

The annual amateur draft is scheduled for next week, and scouts are hard at work combing through prospect lists and talent profiles.  The jury is still out on whether or not Florida's owner minihouston is still having an issue with his goats, though early rumors report his scouting is suffering horribly and that the curse does not seem to have abated.  The final tally when signings occur will show whether or not the scab miniature donkey livestock scouts he has hired in the accursed goats stead was effective.  Meanwhile all other owners in the league are regretting letting him in due to the talent vacuum that has followed in his wake, and are actively considering curse busting measures.

New Promotions Bring Fans in the Tens

With the new year and always present desire to bring in more fans, there have been some notable promotion nights around the leagues this year. Some of the more notable events have been:    

--Wilkes-Barre Exists Night: The Scranton AAA affiliate hosted a special evening giving discounted admission to every fan who could properly locate Wilkes Barre on a map.  Team officials report that they gave out seven discounts.

--Diesel Generator Night: The Iowa City AA franchise held a "Diesel Generator Night," where free admission was given to fans for bringing a generator with which to power the park lights, which are still dark from the derecho which rolled through town over a month ago.

--Heckler's Ball: The Philadelphia HiA franchise hosted a 'Heckler's Ball,' wherein fans were invited to utilize the PA system to heckle opposing batters when they were at the plate. As this sort of behavior is naturally in the blood of Philly fans, this evening was the first sellout of the year.  Dover team officials insist there is no truth to the rumors that the Dover team had to hold a group therapy session on the team bus after the game.

Dong Arrives in Aloha Country

In one of of the most hotly contested bidding wars on the International market this year, Kazuya Dong has signed with Honolulu.  It is rumored that the Apapanes faced some stiff competition Springing From Colorado's Loins in the bidding war, but in the end the Japanese stud pitcher donned a lei and came ashore in Pearl Harbor.  Scouts say that while Dong brings the heat, he needs to work on his control if he ever wants to make it in the big leagues.  

Brooms, Brooms, Brooms

They may have lost a tight series to the eventual World Champions in the ML ALDS but word on the streets of the city that never sleeps has it that the sweep in the AAA World Series by the NL underdog infuriated the New York Empire owner. Sources, and experienced conspiracy theorists, say he has vowed to never be swept again. It's said thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, following season 38 and their 53-109 record; Dr David N Adams removed losing from alexng6888's DNA. Since, the Empire has never won less than 90 games; going  a combined 629-343; good for a .647 winning percentage. Thus it was shocking to see the AAA Empire swept by a lesser team from the NL. 

The inside source claims the owner has gone as far as to remove all brooms from the stadium. One cleaning crew member was even said to have been fired for using a toothbrush after lunch. Apparently anything with bristles is a no-go. Crew chief Antoine Dodson was quoted "...y'all need to hide yo brooms, hide yo mops, and hide yo toothbrushes cause they trashin' everything out here". In other city news on Cobb Street, Dyson stock has plummeted as fans follow suit by dumping all shares of their stock in support of the team's ban on cleaning supplies. Even the trashcans were removed, though some sources wonder if that will affect the teams batting average. One anonymous source was even quoted "Winning is a dirty job." 

After some "major" talent changes to the NY AAA affiliate roster, the owner has put the league on notice. Vegas oddsmakers now have NY as the favorite to win the AAA World Series. Find your nearest bookmaker and place all bets now!

Dizzy Leonard 'Taken' Aback by Hall Snub

Chick Fontana - Contributing Reporter

In what was a suprise to no one other than perhaps Dizzy Leonard, the erstwhile former Cobbfather compiler did not make the cut to be elected into the Hall. Netting a paltry five votes, the longtime hurler's future chances look rather grim.  

When asked about the voting snub at his construction project next door, the hardhat wearing now turned foreman replied with an uncharacteristically dark visage, "Look, I don't know who those voters are.  I don't know what they want. If they are looking for wins and rings, I can tell you I didn't have enough.  But what I do have are a very particular set of skills I have acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like them.  If they do vote me into the Hall next year, that'll be the end of it.  I won't look for them.  I won't pursue them.  But if they don't, I will look for them, I will find them, and I will bean them with a fastball."

He then brightened up and added with a giant Oklahoma smile, "And if you too want to bean somebody in the head, you should absolutely visit the Hall of Dizzy Leonard, where you can enjoy the "Beanball Badass!" attraction, where anyone who wishes to dispense the unwritten rules of baseball justice can do so!  Bring your best fastball and wild pitches!"

Indeed in looking at the upcoming plans it was announced that the price of admission ticket did include the Beanball Badass attraction, as well as the Walk the Walk, Ground Out Grinder, and Even Biggerest Loser™ attractions.

Dizzy Leonard Bypasses Voters, Establishes New Hall of Fame

Delroy Cashdollar - Contributing Reporter

In what can only be described as a tremendously audacious move, retired pitcher Dizzy Leonard has taken his Hall of Fame candidacy into his own hands.  In a zoom conference from his ranch outside of Clayton, OK, Leonard announced that he had purchased a property in Cooperstown adjacent to the Hall of Fame, and was establishing the "Hall of Dizzy Leonard."  As he munched on some pork rinds in the grainy zoom feed he explained, "I don't know if these 'qualified voters' or whatever they want to call themselves these days truly recognize my greatness.  I deserve to be in that Hall next door, but if they won't vote me in, I'll build an even bigger and better hall!"

When asked what the Hall of Dizzy Leonard would contain within it to attract museum goers when compared to artifacts from the playing days of such greats as Sammy Felix, Johnny Sherman, Mendy Kondou, Thomas Hutchinson, and other all time legends of the game, Leonard explained,

"You see, what my hall will have that no other hall will is all of my stuff.  I have my collection of oversized belt buckles, the three mobile homes which I thought were a good idea to buy when the pandemic hit, my Little League trophies, this really neat shirt a groupie bought for me one time, and my collection of antique Power Wheel toys.  You see, you won't find anything like that in the Hall of Fame over there," he added with a dismissive wave. 

Asked if he thought he still had a chance to be enshrined in the Cobbfather Hall of Fame, he answered testily, "Look, I'm a *THREE TIME* All Star, 264 wins, over 3K strikeouts, and almost as many bullpen chicken and beer sessions.  I AM A LEGEND OF THE GAME, and I belong in that Hall just as surely as my Spinning D brand belongs on every cattle in one of my herds."

He took a gulp of his Coors Light, and then added, "Also I have a limited time offer where if you vote for me I'll send you some steaks, fresh cut.  You can't pass up on this Prime grade beef, so vote for Dizzy!"

We'll know in a few days if his campaign is successful, but if not he'll still have his place in Cooperstown, even if it is next door.