In an ongoing effort to better understand the
genius minds which administer the hardball franchises of Cobbfather world, the
Post Gazette will be interviewing owners on an irregular basis. Today we
are honored to have seated between the interview ferns three time and reigning
world series champion sermonauthor.
Congratulations on winning three of the last
four world series! Is Disneyworld tired of seeing you yet?
First of all, why the heavy restraints? Hey
WAIT--why the shot with the foot-long needle? I’ll tell you what you want to
know. You don’t have to . . .you don’t ha . . . (singing) “Mama! Just killed a
man! Put a gun against his head. Pulled my trigger, now he’s . . . he’s .
. . “ <Editor's Note - No General Managers were harmed in the writing of this interview>
You clearly have had a large measure of success
during your time in Tampa Bay. Other than your 132 million dollar payroll and
your overwhelmingly talented lineup and rotation, what is the key to your
success?
Nothing to it really. Just put my owner britches
on one leg at a time and read the Good Book daily. And believe me, How To
Squash, Maim and Otherwise Pulverize Your Fake Baseball Opponent Until Even His
Dog Won’t Recognize Him is a mighty good book.
My 5 Keys to success in Hardball Dynasty are
(drumroll)
5. Know when to hold ‘em.
4
Know when to fold ‘em.
3. Know
when to walk away.
2. Know
when to run.
1. You
never know what $132M will buy you when you’re bidding on free agents. There’ll
be time enough for trading when Spring Training comes.
During your run of total dominance, who have
been your favorite players to follow on your team? Who is the leader in
the clubhouse to keep things level when the inevitable slump or championship
hangover hits?
You can’t talk Deplorables without going
straight to veteran leader Chick Munson who is currently making a mockery of
the Cobbfather pitching records. This season alone he became the All-Time
leader in Wins and Innings Pitched. Munson also holds the world records for
Shutouts, and Complete Games. His one area of weakness is in the realm of Balks
where he holds the All-Time worst with 17. But Chick is quick to point out in
any HOF debate that Dizzy Leonard, a HOF hopeful, holds the All-Time Worst
record in 7 categories. So he should get a pass on the balks. The vets and
rooks all look up to the Chickster who, though listed at 41 years, may well be
closer to 45 owing to a mixup in birth certificates with former pro player
Chuck Minson he never bothered to correct.
What you call total dominance I know is nothing
more than a very good team that’s been incredibly lucky along the way. To run
the playoff gauntlet—say, do you think I could get a sip of water? I’m
dehydrating—to run the playoff gauntlet, especially when you don’t earn a bye
and need 14 playoff wins instead of 11, you face so many potentially-lethal
elimination games. We’ve had good players but, more importantly, tremendous
good fortune along the way. 2 of our 3 championships started in the wild card
round. All 3 were 4-3 WS victories. That’s not false modesty. That’s just fact.
We’ve had quite a bit of luck on our side.
The Deplorables have dispatched some pretty
great teams in the last few seasons, which one of them and what players do you
think were the most dangerous?
For the first few seasons the Houston Space
Cowboys were definitely a spur in the side of our Deplorable basket. And we in
theirs. It was a harsh rivalry in every way except personally as rawdk27 is one
of the fine gentlemen of the game. In recent seasons it’s been alanharwell
(Helena) and alex6888 (NY) whose fierce teams have helped us rise to their
formidable challenges.
When your run eventually winds down and the
legend of the Deplorables general management falls into baseball lore alongside
the likes of Billy Beane’s sabermetric principles or Houston Astros garbage can
morse code, what will be your legacy, and who will write the book? And
when that book is inevitably turned into a film which actor plays your part?
Well, I will write the book, silly. Did you not
notice the handle? Sermon . . . AUTHOR. This has been mistaken by many to mean
I’m a preacher, but I’m not except for shouting out the Good News of Fake
Baseball everywhere! I’m an author, essayist, blogger, songwriter who penned a book
about my personal baseball experiences with the game. A fan’s memoir, written almost
20 years ago, Sermon on the Mound is now out of print and available from
third party sellers without those inconvenient author royalties.
The book allowed me some wonderful experiences
with all-timers like Vin Scully, Don Zimmer, Ross Porter, Ernie Harwell,
pitcher Paul Byrd, Ryan Klesko, Calvin Schiraldi and the entire 2001 Kansas
City Royals team in their pre-game locker room. I followed the publicity trail
wherever it led. That was the really fun part of the whole experience.
As for the actor? I suppose the only star who
could do me justice would be Costner. We’re the same age. OK, he’s 7 months
older, but I won’t hold it against the old guy. We still carry ourselves like
we are studs and between us we have half a billion dollars. The similarities
are astounding. I think he’s got one more baseball flick in him. Don’t you?
During your career, what has been your best move
as a GM, and which one do you regret the most?
I think my best move was to join Cobbfather at
the precise moment when jibe inexplicably left after building a giant of a
franchise. I’m not sure I could have walked away from that. Yes, we’ve won 3
championships here and in the interim I’ve left my own mark on the team. But
none of the success happens if jibe had not left so many chips on the table to
play with and he deserves more credit than me in the franchise’s success. I’m
just the monkey who got to play all the four ace and straight flush hands dealt
after I sat down at the table.
Do the Deplorables pay for a scouting
department? If yes, what is the name of your one scout?
I don’t believe in scouting budgets. I don’t
play the IFA game anymore after leaving far too much franchise equity ($$$) on
the table year after year. The imprecision of the scout’s advice and the
uncertainty if you’ll have enough money to bid on the top guys—and if THEY will
even show up in a bad season—all combined to sour me on the process. I believe
in free agency. I believe in the value of the dollar and learning to squeeze
every last dime out of a budget. And I believe in
long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. So,
when I take over a team it’s scouting budgets racing to the bottom and prudent
FA spending rising to Steinbrenner levels.
Cobbfather world strives to live up to the
legacy of its namesake, Ty Cobb, who famously once said, “Baseball is a red-blooded sport for red-blooded men.
It's no pink tea, and mollycoddles had better stay out. It's a struggle for
supremacy, a survival of the fittest.” With that in mind, what unwritten
rule do you think baseball is missing, and how would you enforce it?”
My rule: Check your politics at
the door. How do I enforce it? 4 snipers on the stadium rooftops and one in the
clubhouse. It’s not brain surgery.
Do you have a favorite baseball
quote, and if so what is it?
That one is easy. Yankee
outfielder Willie Randolph was once asked how he always seemed to maintain such
a calm exterior. He replied:
“Ain’t no sense worrying about things you got no control over. ‘cause if
you got no control over them--ain’t no sense worrying. And ain’t no
sense worrying about things you got control over. ‘cause if you got
control over them--ain’t no sense worrying.
A close second would be Casey Stengel who, on the birthday of Mets poor
fielding first baseman “Marvelous” Marv Throneberry’s deadpanned: “We wuz gonna
throw you a party, Marv. But we wuz afraid you’d drop it.”
Which MLB player had the best
1980s mustache or bad haircut?
How can that honor go to anyone
else but “The Mad Hungarian”, Al Hrobosky? Just look at that magnificent porn ‘stache
nearly touching his belly button. It’s like his mother mated with Fu Manchu. If
Al ever wanted to go clean-shaven Supercuts would have to charge him $75. ME,
I’d just grab a machete and hack my way through that forest of hair.
Do you have a favorite baseball
card factoid from the card backs?
Yes. “Smoking baseball cards
can be hazardous to your health.” I didn’t believe this when I first read it at
13. I do now.
Say, how much longer is this
going to take? If you’re not going to loosen the cuffs could I at least have
something to eat? <Editor's Note - The press spread provided water and hardtack biscuits, in compliance with all applicable regulations>
Other than the Tampa Bay
Deplorables, what is your favorite MLB team, and if it is not the Cubs, why?
It’s not the Cubs, although
they were my Little League team for 3 years. I was born in Sacramento and
attended my first MLB at Candlestick Park in 1963. I’ve been a Giants fan ever
since. Mays, McCovey, Marichal, Perry, Cepeda . . . I got to watch more HOFers
on a team than any fella has a right to dream about.
For most of my life I lived
with the curse that the last time the Giants won the World Series was 1954 –the
year before I was born. In my 50s I was certain the team that was all too often
my cross to bear in life would not win it all again until the year after I
died. Then came that marvelous run of 2010, 2012 and 2014. They don’t ever have
to win again. That was a lifetime of dreams rolled into a magnificent 5 year
masterpiece.
If sermonauthor were to walk
the path of Trevor Hoffman and institutionalize theme music in the ballpark
during pitching changes, what would sermonauthor’s theme music be?
Is there a happier, more positive,
more inhibition-releasing song ever recorded than Van Morrison’s Bright Side
of the Road? ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCDZzf4ragg ) No sir, there is not. If I’m coming into a bases loaded
situation with the entire season on the line I want a song that doesn’t permit
fear entry.
If there’s a hop and a skip to
the last couple steps before I toe the rubber so much the better for confusing
the enemy. And if a happy, carefree tune lulls the batter into slapping down a
game-ending double play ball to short because he’s feeling pretty good himself—who
am I to complain?
Others can take to the dark
music. I want to hit that mound smiling and witness the confused batter wondering
“What’s that all about?” Since we are innovating we will also introduce
baseball’s first walk off music. Whether I get shelled or take down the
side with a grenade launcher that song will always be the Everly Brothers’ Bye,
Bye Love!
Name
some pet peeves you have with HBD.
If
someone made me king of HBD for a day the first thing I’d do is:
● fire every executive and make it a
lifetime appointment.
● Then
I’d make the divisional playoff series—after the wild card series--7 games
because Holy smokes WIS—where’s the fire? Give us a full series—two lousy
games--that reduce the chance of a fluke victory by a weaker team.
● I
would allow new owners to set any medical/health chose when they take over a
franchise. Thereafter increases or reductions would revert to increments of 4.
Too many times I’ve seen promising careers stunted by major injuries because of
arbitrary allocation rules a new owner had no control over.
● Make
coach hiring an automatic process based on the amount you budget for. 6M is
minimum. 14M is max. 10 gets you an above average coaching squad. 6 gets you a
bag of old balls. But it streamlines the dreaded hiring process.
● Cut Spring Training in half or
eliminate it completely. NOTE to WIS: 18 fewer games means faster world
turnaround and more profit for you. Do this one today!
Is there anything else you
would like Cobbfather to know about you - hobbies, unique facts, trade needs,
or perhaps your ultimate plan for baseball dominance?
My first marriage has lasted 33
years, but my wife is on notice there may be a trophy wife in my future. She’s
already packed a suitcase for me when that day arrives. Father of 3 beautiful
daughter ages 19-31. Two of our girls have autism and have mitigated their life
challenges beautifully to make a father proud. In my misspent youth I did
standup for about a minute and a half until they asked me to sit down. My bride
is a world class singer without the renown or money and she records the songs I
write for her. So she’s not fooling anyone with that pre-packed suitcase. She
needs me. I discovered Rotisserie
Baseball at its inception in 1984 and have been playing Fake Baseball in one
form or another ever since.
What movie best encapsulates
the man that is sermonauthor?
Citizen Kane
I have it all planned out. The
family will be gathered, circling my bed, with tears all around for in this
fantasy death scene I am greatly beloved. I will try to say something but the
words aren’t coming. My youngest daughter leans in closely and whispers, “Papa.
PAPA. What is it? And with my dying breath I release two weak syllables: “Mun .
. son.”
And then I wake up in an Iowa
cornfield. My family is shocked. No one knows what I meant and they spend the
rest of their lives trying to decipher my last word: MUNSON.
And only the good folks of
Cobbfather, my brothers in arms, will know the answer to this eternal riddle.
Epilogue
There you have it, and again
thanks to sermonauthor for budgeting some time for this interview, as well as
the tasty cracker and cheese spread in the clubhouse. The Post Gazette
takes this as evidence that the Deplorables are not skirting their budget
anywhere else.
